Dolphin therapy: deradicalization program for returning terrorists

Kokkedal-Last year, 72 young men-regular high school and university students-abandoned their families and studies to make a career as jihadists in Syria. Now, many are coming back and Denmark is welcoming them with open arms.

Most western countries are cracking down on returning fighters. France has seized passports, Britain has arrested 100 returnees and most of the countries follow suit.

Kokkedal has developed an unconventional reintegration program for ex-terrorists which was developed by Connie Hansen, a psychology professor at Kokkedal University. "These returnees are young people struggling with the same issues as any other average teenager. They are trying to find a place in society. So we have to help them to find a way back to normal live," explains Hansen.

The Kokkedal reintegration program includes dolphin therapy. The "3 Month Dolphin Time-Out Program" sends the returnees to "Dolphin Woopy-Doo Paradise" located in Marmaris, Turkey. A 3-Month jihadist orientated program is designed to deradicalize returnees. They play one-on-one with trained therapist and dolphins. The relationship developed throughout the 3 month with the dolphins help to detoxify the mind of radical thoughts, decrease anxiety experienced in terrorist attacks, executions and beheading, and increase motivation to continue attempting new tasks.

"When I communicate to dolphins I can forget all the brutal things I've seen in Syria," says Yussuf Aslan, a former jihadist. "It is invigorating. Before that I was obsessed to fight in Syria. It was similar to a sexual obsession. But now I think, I will return to my engineering studies after the therapy."

The cost is €24.000 for the 3-Month program and covered by health insurance meaning the taxpayers are paying for the program.

Activities are tailored to the needs of the participants. Returnees who beheaded people need intensive care. Ali Erdogan has been traumatized by the beheading he has committed. His therapy involves more communication with dolphins by imitating their clicking and whistling.

"It's my last week here. I was so exhausted after the fights but now I feel very refreshed," says Erdogan. "Next month, I will go back to Syria and work on my terrorist career. I try to be the next Bin Laden."

The Greens of Denmark are welcoming Kokkedal's approach to Syrian returnees. "People need love but not punishment to rehabilitate. They are just victims of the decadent Western society. We should do more for our Muslim fellows. We are even thinking to ban Christmas from Denmark otherwise they might feel discriminated," says the spokesperson of the party.

On the other hand, conservative parties are very skeptical and expressed great concern because 70 of the 72 returnees went back to Syria to join terrorists groups. "This is just an adventure holiday for the terrorists on the expense of taxpayers money. We live in a decadent society," complains the spokesperson of the Danish People's Party.

Swiss scientitsts believe Uncle Sam suffers under severe paranoia

Geneva―A group of scientists from the Geneva University Hospital believe Uncle Sam suffers under severe paranoia.

Paranoia is a thought process characterized by exaggerated fear that something bad will happen, fear that the bad is caused by others with lack of foundation of the above features. People suffering under paranoia fear that someone is trying to cause them physical harm or even kill them. They live in fear, feel isolated and are depressed all the time. The cause of paranoia is still unknown but major live events that cause sudden increase of stress may be responsible for it.

Uncle Sam showed first symptoms of paranoia after 9/11 in 2001. He accused Iraq of having "weapons of mass destruction" becoming obsessed with the idea to start a war in the Middle East.  In May 2003, Iraq was defeated and Saddam Hussein was executed by the USA. 

Uncle Sam's brain circulation declined and he exhibited more paranoid symptoms. He had been possessed by the thought that Colonel Gaddafi, the late dictator of Libya, wanted to kill him. Again, a war was started between the USA and Libya and ended with the execution of the dictator by USA funded "moderate rebel groups", now called "ISIS", in August 2011.

Meanwhile, Uncle Sam's metal state has declined dramatically. He accuses Syria to have used chemical weapons on its people and breaking human rights. Uncle Sam has grabbed to his gun and started to throw "democracy bombs" to bring back American democracy to Syria. He even started to bomb hospitals. (He also wants to have little bit of natural gas and oil from Syria.)

The scientists are very concerned about Uncle Sam's mental health state. They tried laughter and various talking therapies but nothing has worked yet. Recently, Uncle Sam regards Putin, president of Russia, as a new threat and is obsessed to eliminate him.

Scientists also suspect that NATO is suffering under mild paranoia because it also regards Putin as a threat.

Amnesty International: Saudi Arabia has the highest human rights record

Amnesty International researchers have found Saudi Arabia has the highest human rights record in the world.

According to the researchers Saudi Arabia is free of slaves, free of torture, free from arbitrary arrests and from arbitrary interference with privacy and family.

For decades, Amnesty International alleged Saudi Arabia that it is a country with judicial corporal punishment such as amputation of hands for robbery, stoning, beheading, flogging for treason, adultery, drunkenness, sorcery, blasphemy and the list goes on.

But an Amnesty International investigation has found the allegations may have been not true at all.

Public leashing, stoning and other physical punishment on convicts executed each Friday in public places in Riyadh are just shows organized by Saudi's entertainment industry.

The Saudi Arabian government does not allow its people to listen to music, to watch TV or to do other recreational activities therefore these shows are a very important part of entertainment.

The convicts are not criminals but performers hired by the entertainment industry. For example, Omar Hariri (28) hired by  "It's!Stoning Time" residing in Riyadh is a professional stoning artist. "Each Friday I am tied to a bar from 5am to 10am and visitors are allowed to stone me for 50 Riyals  for 10 minutes," says Hariri. "Of course, the stones are not real. They are made of sponge."

Osama Kamel (34), a performer of "Can't Stop Lashing", is a professional lashing artist. "Customers hire me for wedding ceremonies or birthday parties," says Kamel. "The whips do not hurt me. The business is flourishing."

The Saudi Arabian government is very delighted with the Amnesty International's report that it closed a billion dollar oil deal with the USA and sent 100 golden toilets to the white house.

But some experts have accused the US government that it has paid Amnesty International huge sums of money to produce pro-Saudi Arabian reports.

Angela Merkel's secretary reveals: the chancellor is remote controlled by a creature in Merkel exosuite

It was an usual working day for Angela Merkel's secretary Susanne Müller*. The only unusual thing was that she was a little bit early in the office. She opened the door the chancellor's office to discuss about her daily schedule but the next moment she was petrified with horror.

A small creature was creeping out from the German chancellor's head which was stuffed with electric cables and small electronic devices. Merkel was not a human being but a robot. The shocked secretary was watching the creature from the crack of the door.

"It was like this tiny alien in 'Men in Black' which hid in a human-like exosuit," explains Müller.

After the little creator climbed out from its Merkel exosuit it switched on a tablet and called the president of the United States via Skype.

The discussion between the creature and the president of the United States went on for about 30 minutes. The president instructed the little creature what to say in the next press conference, to let in more migrants into Germany, what to say in the next parliament sitting and other details. After the discussion, the creature climbed inside its Merkel exosuit.

Germany is in the midst of a migrant crisis after the Merkel invited Syrians, Afghans and Iraqis to the country. The government says that over 800.000 migrants will reach Germany in the end of 2015 but the dark figure seems to be much more higher.

For month, Müller kept this secret by herself but she could not remain silent anymore as the migrant crisis has become unbearable. She decided to break her silence although this will threaten her life.

"Now, it absolutely makes sense why the chancellor is bringing all the illegal migrants from the Middle East and Africa to Europe. She always was remote controlled by the USA, well she is just a robot," says the secretary. "It is the plan of the USA to destabilize the European continent."

*name have been changed to protect the identity of the person

Some interesting links which are facts that USA wants to destabilize Europe:

• http://sputniknews.com/middleeast/20151027/1029157209/refugee-crisis-designed-to-depopulate-syria-assange.html
• http://thepressproject.gr/podcast/final_assange.mp3

Great "Pig Wall" on the German and Austrian border to prevent refugees

German police union has announced to close the country's border against Austria by erecting a great pig wall. Around 200.000 pigs are going to be stationed from Obersdorf to Passau in order to protect the 400km long border.

The influx of migrants has been unstoppable since September. Until the end of this year, 1.5 million migrants are expected in Germany. The exponentially growing number of migrants has been the cause of immense social unrest and crime in German refugee centers. A surge in arson attacks and rape did reportedly increase drastically in refugee shelters.

Germany gradually seems to loose its control over the influx of massive amount of migrants within a short period of time and there have been concerns among the population that the country's internal security is under threat.

The highly effective Hungarian border barrier took 3 month until it was finished. The internal security in Germany is dramatically worsening and immediate action is required. No time is left to built a fence for month.

Bavarian MP Horst Seehofer decided as a last-resort measure to erect a wall made of live pigs on the country's border. Thousands of pigs from Bavarian farms have been brought to the 400km long border.

Religious restrictions on the consumption of pork are a part of Islamic law. Most of the migrants are orthodox Muslims believing pigs are unclean animals thus making it impossible to cross the pig wall.

"Within 3 days the great pig wall will be finished. We are already seeing a decrease of migrants crossing the border," says the MP. "Today just 100 migrants entered Germany assuming that they are all Christians. Christians refugees are more than welcome here."

Meanwhile, the pigs grunt happily on the border because they have been brought outside the hellish pig farms and will not be slaughtered until the influx of migrants will be stopped. Animal rights activist welcome the measure. "Finally, society has acknowledged the status of the pig," says Andreas Hilse from Animals Rights Watch.

Scientists develop method to convert religious hatred into energy

TOKYO-Scientists have developed a method to convert hatred into energy.

Hatred is a deep and emotional dislike directed against a group of individuals or ideas triggering increased activity in the human brain. This emotional energy is then converted to electricity by large pathosvoltaic panels on the ground. These panels function like solar panels.

One pathosvoltaic panel produces 4600kWh/year enough electricity for 1 household. Last month, 1000 panels had been set up to supply a small village with electricity.

"We are excited about our project. If we succeed as long as there is hatred we do not have to depend on fossil fuel or natural gas anymore. Our ability to hate each other is without any limits so there will be a constant energy supply," explains Masayuki Kondo from University of Tokyo, lead scientist of the project. "Especially religious motivated hatred provides a huge amount of energy. Currently, the Middle East, US and Israel are very good suppliers with great future potential."

Kondo got interested in hate energy after 9/11 when he was working on his PhD thesis. He monitored the amount of hatred via atmospheric EEG, plotted it on the graph and found out that the hatred curve was growing exponentially. The following year, he started a research team to develop a system converting hatred into useful energy.

With the creation of ISIS and the ongoing "war on terrorism", Kondo recorded a steady growth of religiously motivated hate energy.

Growing tension between Japan and China might be the next source of hate energy but "compared to religious motivated hatred it is infinitesimal." Kondo will continue to focus on the Middle East and US. Europe could be also a good power supplier because the recent huge influx of Muslim young male migrants to Europe will create another religious motivated hot spot.

USA wins 2015 Nobel peace prize

USA, the United States of America spreading peace in the middle east for decades, has won the 2015 Nobel peace price.

Speaking after finishing his day in the congress, in Washington, the US president said: "Finally, our war for democracy and freedom are bearing fruits in the Middle East."

Within 10 years 2 American citizens, Al Gore in 2007 and Barack Obama in 2009, have won the Nobel peace prize followed by this years prize to the US adding the whole country to the list.

The US started its illegal peace project in Iraq in 2003 to destroy Saddams Hussein's imaginary weapons of mass destruction. Instead weapons the US found Saddam Hussein and got rid of him. The US brought democracy, justice and peace to Iraq. Actually, democracy was blossoming in Iraq creating many freedom extremists.

The US peace excursion also landed in Libya. For some reason, Washington felt responsible to protect the people of Libya from the insane man Muammar Gaddafi. US supported all the militant peace Islamic freedom terrorists in eastern Libya. The US successfully changed the regime in Libya and peaceful terrorists such as Al-Quaida and ISIS started to flourish.

The unstoppable peace evangelist US is now worried about Syria. Over a period of one year, around 20,000 airstrikes have been launched by the US military in Syria to destroy its civilian infrastructure to create a completely new country. US intelligence trains and finances freedom fighters ISIS and other peace supporting groups to overthrow the Assad regime.

The US won for what the Nobel committee called the country "peace creator" for the Middle East. It is the first time a country ever wins the prize.

In a statement, the Nobel committee said: "The US is fighting against the bad boy Putin and his bad bad ally Assad. The war against terrorism has filled many wallets of Washington's military elite with billion of dollars creating peace of mind among them. The US has started to arm moderate rebels in Syria which will lead to unimaginable peace in the Middle East as well as in Europe."

Germany police union decides to separate refugees by everything

BERLIN-Yesterday a 21-year-old refugee started a mayhem when he ripped pages from a Koran and ate them in a refugee center in Berlin. The fight escalated into a mass brawl pitting 150 Syrians against 200 Afghans fighting with fists and throwing babies. 

There had been trouble before. One weeks ago, a 35-year-old Afghan insulted an Iraqi that all his 3 wives look ugly leading to a  riot. The ensuing violence left 15 refugees dead.

Three weeks ago, short refugees got jammed by tall refugees when lining up for food starting an outrage.

Countless other riots have been reported in the past 1 month. Refugees fought about the number of wives, hair color, body odor, length of fingernails, beheading skills, ownership of slaves and myriads of other issues.

Germany's police union decided to separate refugees into more than 100 categories.

Next week, refugees are going to be separated into country of origin, religion, ethnicity, height, BMI, length of beard, number of wives, beauty of wives, skin color, sexual orientation, length of nose etc..

The new measure had spread confusion among the refugees and volunteers. "How should I decide who has the uglier wife?" complains Alex Müller, a volunteer of the refugee center in Berlin. "Should we start a beauty pageant in the refugee center or what?"

Amnesty International criticized Germany for the measure because segregation reminds USA of the 'dark days'. 

On top of that, Germany is a pluralistic society and it will be impossible to integrate all refugees if they are already segregated in refugee centers.

Scientists develop a drug against Monday blues syndrome

Did you ever dreaded the next day on Sunday evenings? Have you ever had problems getting up on Monday morning and felt depressed or even hopeless? Did you ever sense that work is unpleasant but unavoidable? Did you ever had hallucinations about shouting "I quit" to your manager on Monday?

The Anglo drugmaker Smith&Watson has developed hyacintholoft, an anti-Monday blues drug which is awaiting regulatory approval.

David Watson, chief scientist, has discovered an active pharmaceutical ingredient which blocks Monday blues receptors in the brain and make you feel more indispensable at your job.

Monday morning blues syndrome is a type of depression in humans brought on by lack of challenging projects at the workplace, uninteresting and meaningless tasks or unbearable co-workers.

A person who suffers under this syndrome usually exhibits a very low mood especially on Sunday evenings or Monday mornings. People with Monday morning blues syndrome may be preoccupied with thoughts and feelings of worthlessness. 

In severe cases people may have auditory hallucinations telling them to quit their jobs and just blankly stare into the PC screen at the workplace from 9 to 5 o'clock 5 days a week. The boreout syndrome might occur in conjunction with the Monday morning blues syndrome.

Office clerks are the most susceptible occupational group suffering under Monday blues syndrome.

"Every Monday morning I didn't know why I was even here. After working as a file clerk for 5 years I could't see any meaning in my existence. I felt like a squeezed washcloth. I had dreams about joining the Fightclub, " says Ralf Davis. "But after taking the new drug I can't await Mondays. Everyday I skip to my work and while working I always hum."

Hyancintholoft might be the new hope for a lot of office clerks. It will be available next year.

Fukushima Power Water: new energy drink on the market

If you want to take a short brake in our office and need to vitalize yourself for the next meeting try Fukushima Power Water. Fukushima Power Water is an energy drink, containing the following functional ingredients: Uranium 235, Plutonium, Cesium, Iodine 313.

Uranium is known for its stimulating effects on the human body, Plutonium is an essential nutrient required for maintaining normal body function, Cesium and Iodine are different types of sugars which are also contained in our daily diet.

The energy drink was developed by F-Water, a startup in Tokyo run by a young entrepreneur Smith Klein from Australia.

More than for years later after the nuclear power-plant disaster, water used to cool molten nuclear fuel from reactors is poured 300 tons into the sea everyday.

"Some thermal baths have radioactivity and have a positive effect on the body. So I thought why not bottle the water up and sell it," says Klein. "300 tons of water makes 1.2 Million of 250 ml cans and if one can costs 2$ you can make a fortune. Besides that, the water doesn't cost you anything." Klein's initial intention to visit Japan was to teach English but now he turned into a successful entrepreneur. 

Fukushima Power Water was a instant hit in Japan and already has sold 5 Million cans after 1 month it has been introduced to the market.

"The drink tastes awesome and makes you feel energized. Now it's possible for me to learn non-stop for my college entrance exams," says a high school student from Tokyo.

 The energy drink is not only popular among young people but also very well received by middle aged people because it is known to lower the cholesterol level in your blood.

Fashion designer Coco Dior under fire over skeleton models in Paris

PARIS-Famous fashion designer Coco Dior from Paris has come under fire for using skeleton robots in her spring 2016 collection although she said in 2014 she "would like to use extremely skinny real life models."

The models Dior used in her most recent show were all remote-controlled skeletons made from stainless steel.

"A lot of girls develop eating disorder because they work towards the body shape of catwalk models. Skeletons on a runway would add fuel to the flame to the problem and young girls might refuse to eat anything at all and starve to death," said Gena Garner, leader of the eating disorder charity Eat More!.

Dior lambasted Garner for critics on her and argued that the focus is on clothes during the show. She claims models should be walking clothes hangers leading to the decision to use skeleton robots for her big runway show.

Dior said that using robots instead of model is also very cost-effective. "You do not have to pay thousands of dollars for one model you just have to pay a bit for electricity," says Dior. "If you use real life models, they might start to suffer under anorexia and you might get blamed from the public. But robots don't complain and are perfect walking clothes hangers."

Dior's collection earned a mixed initial reception, with charity groups complaining of "promoting anorexia" or the fashion industry hailing it as "the skeleton revolution on the catwalk."

Show participants were impressed by the show. "There were no disturbingly thin models and I could enjoy the show with good conscience. I enjoyed the fiber art ," said a fashion design student from IFA Paris.

Holly Harper (25), a former thin model, changed her career to a plus-size model. "I am glad that skeletons replaced us. Now I am a plus-size model and eat whatever I like. Today I had a whole New York cheesecake!When I was a thin model I could not even have wild fantasies about chocolate bars because that would scare me to death," she said. "Now I am very happy with my career as a plus-size model."

Islamic State defector: 'I found 72 virgins in a strip club'

LONDON-Mustafa Zuabi (22) did not expect that he will find 72 virgins in a strip club in London.

Zuabi, a homegrown terrorist and defector from the Islamic State, fought for ISIS in Syria just few weeks ago. He has shaved off his long beard and his hair is gelled. With a beaming smile on his face he tells The Mongrosso Press why he decided to leave the Islamic State.

Zuabi had a hard time finding work out of high school and started his career as a pizza delivery boy. Besides his pizza delivery career he tried to become a rapper but it did not go well. After 3 years he was disillusioned about his life. The experience radicalized him.

On a sunny day in London (which is rare), Zuabi met a group of Salafists who were promoting the Koran on the street. The Salafist movement is an ultra-conservative orthodoxical movement within the Islam also known for their recruitment of fighters. The group leader told him if he would join the Islamic State he could be a martyr right away. Zuabi did not understand the word martyr but it did not sound cool enough so he declined the offer. But after Zuabi learned he could have 72 virgins if he would fight he did not hesitate a minute and decided to join the Islamic State.

ISIS bought Zuabi a flight ticket to Syria and he was paid a monthly salary of £600. Not much but he believed in 72 virgins. 

The Islamic State had no proper toilets, it was too hot in the day and too cold in the night, too sandy and they gave him just rice and beans everyday. The final break came when he did not find any trace of 72 virgins. Again he was radicalized.

Totally disillusioned, Zuabi secretly looked for a new job in the internet and took the risk that he might get beheaded. After 1 week he found a job as a bouncer at a strip club called 72 Virgins.

"I could not believe it. I came all the way from London to Syria and I found 72 virgins in London. That was so easy," says Zuabi. "This is real heaven."

Now he happily works at the strip club with his 72 virgins. 

Saudi Arabia rises social class of women from chicken to human

RIYADH-King of Saudi Arabia Salman announced to rise the social class of women from animals to human. The reform has worldwide proponents.

Saudi Arabia has 3 social classes with men on the top of the hierarchy followed by human and animals, the bottom class. Saudi Arabian women belong to the social class of animals meaning they are on the same level as a chicken, sheep or camel.

Imam Muhammad Ayyub has studied the species of women of decades and came to the conclusion that women have cognitive capabilities and the ability to speech same as men. "I always had believed women are just good enough for reproduction. In school we are told us to take care of women like chickens. Women cackle like hens so I thought they are a similar species," says Ayyub. "One day I met this young woman who could recite each single line of the Koran from memory and I shouted 'ya allah (meaning oh my god)' what is this new kind of species who can speak and think. This is not a chicken!"

Imam Ayyub studied all passages of the Koran. "The Surah 4:11/2 reads 'Women are animals like chicken. Like chicken, man are permitted to take women as sex slaves' and so I though women are animals," explains Ayyub. Finally, he concluded the Koran forgot to print a passage were women are described as human beings.

The hardest part of the reform was to convince the Saudi Arabian King Salman because he is currently suffering under dementia. But when Ayyub said women are species who are capable to read the Koran, the King's face beamed and he promised to rise the social class of a women to human.

Ex-CIA analyst reveals how the US destabilizes countries by spreading obesity through McDonald's

MOSKOW-The individual responsible for the leak is a 35-year-old former CIA analyst George Miller. Miller has been working at the CIA for the last five years as an employee for the Central Intelligence Agency.

The CIA plan began in 1940 when the first McDonald's restaurant was founded in San Bernardino, California. Ever since the CIA has spread over 36,000 restaurants world wide to all strategically important countries. Just few countries which seem to be absolutely unimportant to the US such as Mongolia, Nepal, Bolivia, Iceland, Montenegro, Bermuda, Jamaica, North Korea (although Kim Jong-un looks like he eats 10 burgers everyday), Zimbabwe and Barbados have escaped the invasion of McDonald's.

As of 2008 the WHO estimated that at least 500 million adults (greater than 10%) are obese. For example, the Mighty Angus from McDonald's has a belt-busting 790 calories.

"The weapon of mass obesity is deployed to turn the world population into a bunch of physically unfit, depressed and under mood swings suffering people which are not capable of defending their country and are forced to join the NATO. Overweight people need more health care and make the health care system unstable," explains Miller. 

"They always take up 2 seats, eat 2 package of Oreos instead of 1 and consume more fuel in travel so they cost more money and the monetary system is also destabilized. People from poor countries such as the sub-Saharan area will envy them and create social unrest leading to destabilization. Obese people get addicted to all the fat and sugar that is contained in burgers, in coke and other American products and start to think they need us."

By increasing obesity and thus creating weak people they are more willing to accept anything what comes form the US and the plan seems to be (still) working.


Some interesting facts about McDonald's
Countries who do not have any McDonald's:
http://whatculture.com/offbeat/10-countries-dont-mcdonalds.php

Erdogan and his weapon of mass migration

The relationship between the US, ISIS and Assad

According to reliable sources the US is supporting the Islamic State in some way to fight against the Assad regime: 
http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jun/03/us-isis-syria-iraq
So how can the world defeat ISIS? It is impossible because the US does not want to make that happen.

Migrants start sit-down hunger strike in Berlin

BERLIN-Migrants camping in Berlin have declared  a sit-down hunger strike, demanding more sunshine for their well being.

Earlier on Monday, the weather in Germany has become cold and rainy, a typical autumn weather. Berlin has a maritime temperate climate with warm summers and cold winters. The cold and chilly weather starts from early autumn and last until late spring. During these period sunshine hours are close to 0 (well this is exaggerated).

"I came all the way from Pakistan and was expecting a day on the beach every day but not this miserable weather," says Muhammad Aziz who arrived in Berlin the week before. "Here we just have rain and a leaden sky. How should I live without sunshine."

Rafiq Abedin, a migrant from Bangladesh is also desperate. "How do people live here with no sunshine and long dark hours. I've heard under -20 degrees is possible in the winter. It makes me depressed", Abedin tears his hair in despair.

Most migrants who are from Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Bangladesh and well rarely Syria, are used to an arid climate or a tropical climate and are unfamiliar with long dark winters.

UNHCR spokeswoman Melissa Fleming said the German weather is an unreasonable demand to the migrants and Germany should bring more sunshine and less rain to them.

The Mongrosso Press tried to ask the Deutscher Wetterdienst, a scientific agency that monitors weather and meteorological conditions over Germany about any plans to increase sunshine and create a milder winter to prevent further human crisis in Berlin. But they refused to give an interview.

Meanwhile, Aziz gave up striking and started his journey back to Bangladesh with other 3000 migrants.

Iraqi weapon of mass destruction found in Texas

CHIHUAHUAN DESERT, Texas-Iraqi weapons of mass destruction which could not be found in Iraq are being excavated in the Chihuahuan desert by theologians searching for the Noah's Ark, a ship  believed to be wrecked thousand of years by fundamental Christians.

In the year 2003, American troops invaded Iraq under the pretence that the country hides weapon of mass destruction. Former president George W. Bush hallucinated that Saddam Hussein was hiding secret weapons but oddly enough the weapons have not been found yet after more than 10 years of American invasion. American, Great Britain, Australian and Polish troops looked at every single corner of Hussein's house even in the toilet but could not find any evidence. 

Sam Harrison, lead theologian from the Biblical Archaeology Research Institute of Wheaton College unexpectedly found Iraqi weapons of mass destruction amidst the Texan desert. "These weapons of mass destruction are similar to the Ark of the Covenant shown in Raiders of the Lost Ark. We are fascinated about our artifact. According to Raiders of the Lost Ark when you open the box the wrath will kill people who looked at the light emitted from the Ark so we have to be very careful about our further research," he said.

The mystery remains why Iraqi weapons of mass destruction were buried in the American ground.

Former George W. Bush is excited:"I've been looking for weapons of mass destruction for years. The USA bombed and brought freedom to Libya, destabilized Syria, asked ISIS to find the Iraqi weapons and used weapon of mass migration but still there was no trace of them. Now we have found them. In god we trust."

The study of the artifact may reveal the reason for the invasion of Iraq in 2003 and deliver proof that Bush was not hallucinating at that time.

A species of giant lizard found on an artificial island in the North Pacific Ocean

A new species of giant lizard have been discovered on a small artificial island in the North Pacific Ocean.

During a reconnaissance flight of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force over the North Pacific Ocean they found an artificial island populated with about 20 lizard-like giant animals.

"We were looking for a new made in China island but we did not expect that we find a new species," says the commandant of the Japan Maritime Self-Defense Force Masao Sato.

These lizard-like animals are 10 to 30 meters high bipedal vertebrates and their skin color is moss green.

Takeshi Miyake, a professor at the Tohoku University, led a team of researchers on a systematic reconnaissance flight over the island for 3 days.

"We observed that these giant lizards have a natural trait of building nests from driftwood and larger stones," explains Miyake.

Miyake and his research team do not know how these giant lizards have emerged. "We assume the radiation in the North Pacific Ocean is the cause for it."

Massive amounts of contaminated water were released from the crippled nuclear plant following a 9.0 magnitude earthquake and tsunami. Though the reactors are stabilized, water contaminated with cesium-134 still flows out. Cesium-134 is known to cause mutations.

The makers of Godzilla are excited:"Now we can use real Godzillas for our next movie. We are planning to catch some of these giant lizards, train them and make a great movie," Akio Kuniyasu, the
film director is excited. 

Innovative startup plans to sell sewage patty in Europe

PALO ALTO, California-The Transatlantic Trade and Investment Partnership (TTIP) has been accepted by the European Union loosening trade barriers of all sorts of products and also of food and agricultural products. Under the new condition, the USA is allowed to export products without any restriction and even which are prohibited in the USA.

The Mongrosso Press has interviewed the founder of NI Patty Ltd., Allan McDermott, a startup producing patties from non-animal products. McDermott worked as a researcher at The Food Labor Research Center at the University of California. His main focus of research was developing a technique to transform sewage sludge into edible meat. McDermott was not able to sell these innovative patties because of restriction in the USA. Now, the European Union has ratified the agreement and paved the way to import more American products to the European Union.

"Just 2 years ago we were a small startup but now we are employing 50 people," says McDermott. "We are able to transform sewage sludge to edible patties. Mud contains a great deal of proteins and we extract the protein and combine it with a reaction enhancer, then let it explode to make natural-identical meat. 63% of the meat contains proteins making it a substitute of meat and it contains less fat so it is healthier."

After the dough is colored with food coloring and artificially flavored it is ready for the supermarket.

Under the new agreement, the sewage meat does not have to be labelled as such and can be sold as real meat in all European supermarkets. Sewage meat is strictly prohibited in the USA but Europe has no importing barriers anymore posing a huge chance for NI Patty to expand into the European market.

Maybe the next burger you will order might be a sewage patty. Bon appétit!

Afghani refugee in Norway disillusioned

LONGYEARBYEN, Norway-As tens and thousands of migrants run away from poverty and war, Nazif Afghan (20), a refugee from Afghanistan now living in Norway, is struggling to adapt to the new life.

After he finished middle school he struggled to find a full-time job and did day-labouring to make ends meet. The USA promised to create new employment but just kept bombing the country under the name of freedom.

"One day a former friend from middle school said there is a country called Norway, the promised land, flooded with milk and honey," Mr. Afghan said. "So I didn't think twice, grabbed my iPhone started my nightmarish journey."

6000 km from Kabul-that is how far Norway is from the capital of Afghanistan. To prepare for the journey, Mr. Afghan bought a Syrian passport on the black market and learned some Arabic phrases to get through borders as a Syrian.

He was smuggled into Turkey. He narrowly survived the sinking of a smuggler's fishing boat off the Italian Island of Lampedusa. Italy was beautiful but its social welfare system was as bad as Afghanistan so Mr. Afghan continued his journey. He crossed Austria but did not like the strange German slang they spoke and did not understand the Wiener Schmäh, a type of black humor just understood by Austrians in Austria and decided to continue with the journey until he has reached his ultimate destination Norway.

After 6 month of hardship he finally reached the Norwegian border. The authorities told him that the detention centers in Oslo were already overcrowded and offered him a place in Longyearbyen.

"I was looking for honey and milk in Europe", Mr. Afghan added, "but I didn't expect this misery."

Mt. Afghan's new life started in June at Longyearbyen, the largest settlement in Spitsbergen. June was also the month of Ramadan, a religious event where Muslims are not allowed to eat anything until sunset.

Now Mr. Afghan's journey is over, he expresses disillusionment and disappointment about Norway.

"All ice bears, seals and even the sun will convert to Islam"

The first day of Ramadan, Mr. Afghan waited for sunset but it still did not happen. Longyearbyen experiences midnight sun from April to August. 

When we interviewed Mr. Afghan, he already did not eat for 3 days. "I am a Muslim and have to obey the doctrines of the Quran. If I eat  during Ramadan I will go to hell," says Mr. Afghan. "Now I hate Norway, I hate Spitsbergen. I am praying to the Lord everyday but the sun doesn't seem to sink. I am angry. I think I will join the ISIS or the Salafist. Spitsbergen should be a caliphate. All ice bears, seals and even the sun will convert to Islam." Mr. Afghan seems to loose his temper because of fasting for a long period of time.

One week after the interview with Mr. Afghan, we heard that he tried to go back to Afghanistan but was deported to Norway because the authorities found out that his passport was not valid.

Beard ban in Tajikistan: Santa Clauses placed into detention camp

DUSHANBE-Tajikistan's president Emomali Rahmon is banning facial hair because the government trying to restrict the influence of Islam in the country.

Earlier this month, 10 Santa Clauses have been sent to  a detention camp located 10 km away from Tajikistan's capital Dushanbe after being arrested because of violating the new legislation. The original reason to enforce the beard ban was to crackdown Islam and everything connected with it but now it is also affecting Santa Clauses.

In recent years, Santa Clauses from Finnland have started to promote Christmas all over the world because the market in Europe and USA is already saturated. This year, they also started a Santa Claus campaign in Tajikistan but the ban has been a major setback.

Olavi Toikka, an experienced Santa Claus, claims "a Santa Clause without a beard is just a burger without a patty. A real Santa Claus needs a beard."

Tapio Hiltutnen, Santa Claus novice for 2 years, says he "just wanted to bring joy and happiness to all children in the world and Tajikistan should not be excluded."

It has been reported that police forcibly shaved facial hair from the detained Santa Clauses. The future of the Santa Claus campaign in Tajikistan is still uncertain.

Germany prohibits sausage stalls to respect Muslim "refugees"

BERLIN-Germany's upper house on Friday approved legislation banning all sausage stalls in Germany to avoid insulting Muslim "refugees".

The reform considers all sausage stalls in Germany as illegal from October the 3rd. The recent spurt of Muslim "refugees" immigrating to Germany was subject of fierce debate among politicians how to make migrating people comfortable as much as possible. To cultivate the "Willkommenskultur" meaning "welcome culture" used to encourage help for hundreds of thousands "refugees" coming to Germany, politicians have agreed on the new legislation.

The leader of the Green Party complained if Muslim "refugees" see sausage stalls in Germany they might get insulted and cannot be absolutely welcomed. "We need a more fundamental 'Willkommenskultur' and welcome all Muslim 'refugees' because they enrich our culture. If they see all the sausage stalls here they, will hate us," points out the leader. "We want that all 'refugees' absolutely love us."

Under Islamic law the swine is considered as an unclean animal not good enough for Muslims to eat and strictly prohibits the consumption of pork. But most of the German sausages are made of pork which would be disrespecting Islamic culture.

Franz Schnurr, a currywurst stall owner in Berlin, is desperate. "I am in business for 40 years here in Kreuzberg. This currywurst stall is my life and now they're telling me to shut it down? Did Germany lost its mind?" Feeling of resentment towards the government has spread among most of the sausage stall owners. Only Frankfurter Rindswurds stalls are not prohibited yet because they are made of pure beaf meat. Also locals seem to be desperate. "Everyday I eat sausage. How should I feel German if I couldn't eat any real German sausage made of pork," says Paul Luckner, a student at the Freie Universität Berlin.

Japan legalises marriage with a virtual girlfriend

TOKYO-Supporters of the law, who were sitting on the public seats in the legislative building, erupted in celebration when the results were announced. The bill was backed by 460  out of 10 members of the House of Represenatives. "We are making history this moment," said Jun Suzuki, a leader of the Japan Otaku Association, a otaku rights group that drafted the proposal. 

Otaku are a generation of geeks-most of the time men-who have emerged 20 years ago and have chosen to live in their own fantasy world of anime and manga.

According to a survey conducted by the Ministry of Health, Labor and Welfare in 2010, 36% of Japanese males aged 16 to 19 had no interest in sex. Another survey in 2011 found that 61% of unmarried men and 49% of women aged 18-34 were not in any kind of romantic relationship. Instead of a having a relationship in real life, more and more Japanese prefer two-dimensional love affairs. The new legislation allows men from 16 to marry their 3-D girlfriends.

"I am dating Manaka for 4 years and last year I started to think about marrying her but the Japanese marriage law did not allow to marry your virtual girlfriend. It was very frustrating," Suzuki explains. "Now it's legal and I am filled with happiness." Manaka is Suzuki's girlfriend and also a video game: She is one of the 10 virtual girlfriend that players can choose from in LovePuss, a Japanese dating simulator for the pocket-sized DS game player.

"Sometimes she is moody but most of the time she makes me happy when I feel down. And the best thing is I can always carry her in my pocket," says Suzuki. When commuting to work in the train for over an hour, at dinner, during taking a shower and even in the toilet- Manaka is always with him.

Next year, Suzuki plans his wedding ceremony with Manaka in his real life. Since Manaka is limited to understand just a handful phrases it is difficult for Suzuki to choose the right wedding dress for her. One is for sure: The wedding ceremony will be celebrated with a hologram of Manaka.

Brexit or the end of the EU

From startup to the main jihadist recruiting company: the success story of I&I SS Consulting Ltd.

When headhunter Ali Emwazi was asked by the Islamic State to find the most talented jihad candidate, he decided to start I&I SS Consulting. Ali worked as a senior consultant for a renown headhunting company in London. Not a single company was focusing on the jihadist industry that time. From that niche, Ali started his own company. Founded 2 years ago, the company's last year revenue was over £5 Million.

Mongrosso Press visited his company to find out more about Ali's success.

Over 300 talented jihadists to Syria

I&I SS Consulting is located in the City of London. It is currently employing 15 senior consultants and 5 partners all aged between 20 to 35.

"I started this company just 2 years ago and it is booming," Ali is brimming with enthusiasm.

Since establishment, the company has been sending over 300 talented jihadist to Syria and the demand has been steadily growing ever since. Ali's main clients are not only officials from the Islamic State headquarters located in Syria but also HR managers from franchises all over the world. Especially Islamic State branches located in France and Germany look for talented jihadists.

Ali explains how to recruit the best people from the industry: "You might think LinkedIn and Facebook are the main sources where we find our candidates. But we do it old school and make cold calls at least 100 a day to all kebab restaurants, shisha lounges and mosques in London." Back to basic-maybe this is the secret behind his success.

"Lads, get back on the phone! We have to reach our monthly target," Ali screams to his employees. It is also I&I SS Consulting who recruited Jihadi John who became a prominent jihadist in 2014.

Recently, Saudi Arabia and Qatar have shown great interest in the company and promised to make huge investments. "Next year, we plan to open our new branch in Germany," Ali's entrepreneurial spirit seems to have no boundaries.

"How 2016 presidential race helped me to overcome PMS": Donald Trump reveals why he joined the presidential race and how to fight PMS

Donald Trump has suffered under PMS for decades. "Each month I had this horrible symptoms. Swollen breast, feeling tired, joint and muscle pain, trouble with concentration and memory, " Trump says.

PMS-premenstrual syndrome-is a group of symptoms linked to the menstrual cycle. Usually, it affects only women but rarely men over 60 years might develop PMS. The reason is still unknown. The symptoms usually go away after you start bleeding but since men cannot bleed it will affect them forever.

"I tried all kinds of natural remedies like chaste tree tea, peppermint, caraway tea. I ate a lot of fibers and drank gallons of water but still the symptoms didn't go away," reveals Trump. Especially, he suffered under sever panic attacks when he thought about immigrants coming to the USA.

"When I thought about those immigrants destroying our beloved USA I had palpitation. They're destroying our long long history of 300 years. Those immigrants, they're stealing my money! I had those mood swings and was so irritable," he breaks out in tears.

But his life changed when the USA announced the 2016 presidential race. Trump joined the race and successfully overcame PMS. By talking about his emotional problems in public, he has found a way to relieve his stress and discharge it on the American audience. The presidential race is similar to talk therapy.

"I ask myself, why didn't I do this before. It's a wonderful feeling to talk about your feelings and stress that caused all by these immigrants. It is like a salvation," Trump smiles and combs his hair to get ready for the next TV debate on Fox TV.

USA on the refugee crisis in EU

They know how to take responsibility ;)